As I approach 31, and as I sit here in my dorm room in Nepal reading the introduction to Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist I feel like I’m reading my own memoir. All this talk about the universe and signs and manifestations -words that I would once deem unexplainable now resonate with me so much, more and more every day.
I’ve heard great speakers and influencers talk about these things, these manifestations - Jim Carrey in his speech to Maharishi University of Management; Steve Jobs in his speech to the 114th graduating class at Stanford University. In fact, those were two very influential speeches for me, especially during times where I was feeling a strong connection to my life’s purpose.
I don’t think at any point in my life prior to now I have felt so strongly that I am honouring my purpose. Every day in the past few months I have woken up to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I experience feelings of true happiness move over me like white fluffy clouds on a bright summers day. This type of contentment has occurred so rarely for me in the past few years. I’ve been a lost girl looking to find her place in the world.
I remember Lena Dunham once saying “I want to find a hole in the world in the space of me and just fill it up” and here I am, years after being moved and inspired by those words, in a little space in Nepal that is almost the shape of me. I say ‘almost’ because I feel there is always going to be room for growth. I’m not finished; I’m sooo not finished. I feel in a way I have only just begun. Which makes me so excited to be 31!
It took a while, but I am finally here.
A part of me wants to send a letter to the 21-year-old version of myself and say the following things:
“Listen to your heart, do the things that you love. Don’t get distracted by attachment to boys or fancy things, they are all just temporary and will only give you temporary happiness. Pursue your dreams. Meditate more. Don’t be shy to tell people how you feel. Don’t be shy to talk to the person next to you on the train. Don’t be shy. Be open to human connectedness. Surround yourself with positive energy. Remove yourself from negative energy. Don’t think that because you want to live a life different to the social norm that you are going in the wrong direction. Trust your instincts and be the person you really want to be. Aim high - you will get there. Try things, and if you fail then try again. Eat less meat, buy less clothes, use less plastic. Love yourself, you are beautiful. Travel more. Love unconditionally. Be you”
Another part of me is happy that it took me 10+ years to learn these things because perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am today if it hadn’t been for those lessons. Life isn’t handed to us on a silver platter; life is full of challenges, and tests, and obstacles, and above all knowledge and wisdom.
One of the biggest achievements for me has been the ability to recognise these lessons; to notice them every time they present themselves and learn to use them to create the life that I want to live. It’s these lessons that have brought me here to this dorm room in Nepal, on the back end of a journey that has truly changed my life. It’s been a journey full of magic and miracles, human connectivity and love, inspiration and enthusiasm, and of course a journey full of lessons.
After years of trying to find myself I am finally here. Or perhaps I was always here and I just needed to look inside myself to see my reflection clearly.
Quote written 2012 - Bianca Caruana